The other night I had a terrible dream. I was back home. Whatever happened to make me up and run home is anyone’s guess. It started with me already there. And everyone I was talking to kept asking me when I was going back to Australia or when I was going to leave again. All in a very “we were better when you weren’t here, so could you please hurry up and leave again.” kind of way.
This dream haunted me all day. It’s been 3 days since and it’s still in my head, obviously. It just felt like no one wanted me around. It hasn’t helped that since then I’ve gotten a few comments from people that boil down to me being a dick. Sure, one of the comments I took way out of context, however I can’t help but think that maybe there was some truth in how I took it.
No matter which way you slice it, I’m a dick. (for the record I do not advocate the slicing of dicks.)
I’ve had a few realizations in this time as well. One of them being that I don’t really have anybody I feel I can go to when I’m upset. I have several people who say I can go to them, but I don’t feel I can. It’s part of this “crew mentality” that I have.
The crew mentality is that, while I have a lot of people I’m friendly with and would consider friends, I only have a small group of those people who are on a level above the rest in my eyes. I guess these are the ones who I’d want to have my back when the zombie apocalypse broke out, even if they’re not necessarily the best at fighting zombies. These people are my crew. And, to an extent, I am their captain. I’m supposed to look out for them. I’m supposed to be the one they come to when they have a problem and try to fix it as best I can. However, that doesn’t work the other way. I have to be strong for them. Which I’m not, at all. I at least have to fake it well enough. Kinda like that joke with the pirate captain that wanted his red shirt before they went into battle so his crew wouldn’t see him bleed. Or his brown pants.
I know this is all bullshit. I’ve made it very public that I’m a mess. But I think that’s a byproduct of feeling like I have no one specific I can turn to.
I can’t seek advice from any one person. So, at the risk of coming off insanely emo a lot of the time, I post my problems on twitter, or facebook, or in this blog. I can’t turn to one person, so I turn to all the people. I say “I have a problem and it’s X” and whoever gives enough of a shit to weigh in can do so and I can try to take whatever I can fro the advice they provide me. I, however, can’t call a crisis line or anything like that, which has been suggested to me a couple times. Maybe because a lot of these people are on some kind of middle tier in my life, where they obviously give enough of a shit about me to follow me, yet they aren’t fixtures in my every day life. So I guess I can fall apart in front of them knowing they’ll give advice then move on, it probably will never be brought up again. And I probably won’t ever meet most of them as cool as I think it would be to hang out with some of them.
I’ve tried to cut back on venting on twitter due to a couple requests. I tried to start another blog to replace that. A blog that I completely locked off access for everyone but me. It would become my own dark corner to bitch in. But it feels empty without anyone offering their thoughts on the situations. I guess it’s a weird battle in my brain between the anxiety ridden mess Mike and the entertainer Mike looking for the attention or applause.
I came to Australia because I was sick of Oregon. Where I was living there was nothing. A few retail places. Nothing that would have helped me further any kind of cartooning career. But I felt tied down. I thought that’s where a lot of my depression and anxiety was coming from. That I was stuck in a suburban nothingness. Even for entertainments sake there was nothing to do but get a train into the city and get drunk. Leaving nothing for someone who doesn’t drink.
But after being here for almost a year (I can’t believe it’s been that long) I have to begrudgingly agree with something my father said before I left, thinking it would cure me. “No matter where you go, there you are.”
And yeah, I’m still a self-conscious prick that doesn’t go anywhere or do anything. I’m not good enough to get paying work anywhere, and I keep hoping against hope that one day this ability to draw, that everyone says I have, will pay off in some way. But maybe it won’t. Maybe I’m just not good enough.
And no one else wants me.
So where do I go?
Where do I belong?
Being public about shit like this has helped me in the past. And I’m really hoping it’ll help now.
I really need it.
*hugs*
ReplyDeletehey guy......i know this is kinda wierd coming from someone you havent talked too in a long time, someone you didnt know all that well, but....your blog is really speaking to me and mirrors alot of my own thoughts. like you, there are people in my life that i consider friends but could never confide in them my true feelings, no one that would really understand where im coming from with out judging me for thinking that way. I just rationalize that the world is the way it is and complaining to someone about it isnt going to change anything. i find myself constantly worrying about the life choices ive made, wondering if ive falen into the mundane life style that as a teenager i said id never be a part of. the deppression of this comes and goes, from being mad at myself for wanting more when so many people have less, to sneering at my repetative boring existence. what makes it worse is that i know i have talent in a few mediums, but lack the knowledge or drive to find the people that want it.
ReplyDeleteI guess this isnt really cheering you up much, but i thought you would like to know that your not the only one that feels this way. You were always a really nice guy to me and made me laugh many times, you all were. I wish we could have been friends in real life but knowng you over the interwebs was enough for me to know that your a really interesting person and that makes you worth somthing at least to me.
-Bloop <3
I'm not good at advice.. and I know you don't know me, and I don't really know you.. But for some reason you've always been one of my favorite people. Anyways, the only advice I can offer is to not stress. Stressing over things just makes it worse. You're young, talented, and a good guy. I'm sure everyone tells you this, but until you yourself believes it, nothing is going to happen for you. You also seem to define what you can do, by where you are. Limitations aren't going to help you. It all just depends on what you're willing to sacrifice. Also I have a friend who does comics, and imo hes not really good, and hes one of the poorest people I know.. but a lot of people know him because he goes to the local shops, and the conventions and he puts himself out there and lets people know who he is. You gotta put yourself out there as much as possible.. anyways, wish I could say something more helpful. Hope it all works out for you.
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Mike, I've felt much the same way many times, myself. As far as you being a dick goes, I never got that from you, but I know that I've often wondered just how much of one I am. For me, I just accept the fact that I am one at times, and try to make the effort to be nicer when I feel like a should and hope those I care about forgive me when I'm like that (and they do).
ReplyDeleteIf you feel stuck in where you are or what you're doing, just go and do something that'll make you happy, whatever it is, just say screw everything else for a while and do something just for you. As someone suggested, I think putting yourself out there in more ways would be good for both your career and probably your social life as well. I don't want to make any assumption about how hard you try to make your work know, but if you feel like it's not getting anywhere....Put that shit out there any way you can. Give it to anyone who will take it, post links to your stuff everywhere, not just on the net. I've always liked what you do, and I belive that when enough of the right people see your work, word will start to get around.
I dunno if this is any help at all, but I hope that it is, and that it doesn't come across too generic.
Heres another generic piece of advice: if you do what youve always done youll get what youve always gotten.
ReplyDeleteIt feels like, for whatever reason, you don't feel like you're good enough for yourself.
ReplyDeleteEverything seems to happen for a reason. Be confident with yourself. It's something I've struggled with and once you get an image of yourself it becomes hard to break.
Also appears that were alike in not wanting to be just average in life. Having a fear of failure with your cartooning career. You'll get your break if it's meant to be.
Did you leave Oregon because you were sick of the enviroment, or felt that it was actually a way to run away from your problems? Your dream probably sent you back home due to what your mind knows if unfinished business and confront it.
Here is some dream interpretation on what it means to be home. Assuming any of it apply's:
To see your home in your dream, signifies security, basic needs, and values. You may be feeling at "home" or settled at your new job or environment. Alternatively, the dream represents your basic needs and priorities.
In particular, to see your childhood home, your hometown, or a home that you previously lived in, indicates your own desires for building a family and your family ideologies. It also reflects aspects of yourself that were prominent or developed during the time you lived in that home. You may experience some unfinished feelings that are being triggered by some waking situation. Alternatively, the dream may represent your outdated thinking.
I'll end with this:
"Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different."
I think it's a real problem with being a 'creative, arty' type, our brains seem to be wired to feel that we're not good enough or other creative people are better than us or are achieving more than us. This still bothers me to this day and I'm way past the twenty something angst time of life! The negative thoughts come and go but just keep setting yourself goals and setting out to achieve them to feel happier about yourself and to keep positive. Feel free to open up a bit more to other creative people you meet as it's very likely they feel the same way!
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